I thought I was supposed to wait for a happy ending to write to you about. Naively, I have been waiting for that time to come.
The truth is I have been holding out because somewhere inside I’m afraid that the happy ending won’t be coming. I have been battling this ankle injury now for six months and I have no idea what lies ahead of me. About a month ago I went in for experimental stem cell procedure to re-attach my anterior tibio fibular ligament, which has been completely severed. I have been walking in a boot for a month. I keep it on everyday, all day, and remove it only when I am in bed and in the shower. This Thursday is my final follow up appointment on what may be round one.
I miss running with every fiber of my being. Every single one. I have cried almost every other day, and have never been more afraid of the unknown as I am now. Not knowing if I will ever be able to run a race again, run to a sunrise, run to my madonna playlist, and most importantly run a marathon. I understand that while there are certainly others fighting worse battles, in my present state, this feels like the loss of a good friend. I fucking hate not being able to run outdoors and start my day contemplating the beautiful sun. I hate not starting my day watching all the happy dogs in the dog park, and cursing off cars that try to hit me. I hate that after I finally qualified for the Boston marathon, I don’t know if I will ever be able to train for it like the beast I was aiming for. Don’t know if I will ever be able to train for another marathon for that matter. Nothing else seems to fill the void. Not being able to really use my lower body doesn’t leave much to do in terms of cardio. I have cut out alcohol in the hopes that this will allow my body to heal more efficiently. This has actually increased my productivity in other areas of my life which is the one blessing that keeps me going. Yoga has helped to put things into perspective, but I have had to be careful of certain poses. My lotus pose probably didn’t help for this type of injury. Lesson now learned.
Having gone to 3 different doctors now, I am amazed at how peculiar and unique this injury is. None of my running friends have experienced an injury quite like mine. It’s probably safe to say that every injury will be different. I just can’t understand why mine had to tear every ligament that exists in my ankle.
I will say this. If I come home today and the news is not as expected, I will do everything in my power to get this ankle back to running condition. There just exists no place in my mind where I cannot run. Running again is the only option. Such vulnerable words and yet, I have no choice but to utter them.
Are only the successes worthy of writing about? If so, I’m afraid I cannot give you that right now.
Thanks to my yogi sister Emily for the inspiration for this post.